daddy's little girl

i realized last night something quite profound. every man i've ever loved has, at some point, left me, beginning with the man who started it all - my father.

at five years old, my father left our home to be stationed elsewhere with no promise of us following suit any time soon. he'd come home and lavish me with gifts only to leave me a few days later. i blamed myself for every time he walked out the door. maybe i didn't shine his boots the right way. maybe i didn't make his french toast just right. i tried my hardest to make him stay, but he never did. in stead, he replaced me with his new wife's daughter. and when he divorced her, he found another woman to care for and yet another girl to walk down the aisle. never once did he look back. not while he was happily in a relationship, anyway.

from then on, i've fought tooth and nail to keep the man i loved from leaving me. and here we are. Konstantin and i forging a relationship in this mess. i feel terrible admitting this, but i'm petrified of losing him because for once in my life i feel like i love someone who is truly worth what i bring to the table. what hurts even more is having to keep my feelings to myself every day trying to forget the fear that is tearing me to shreds inside.

i will myself to believe that everything is just peachy and that i have nothing to be afraid of, but when you've had a track record like mine, your will would have a snowball's chance in hell, too.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just replaceable. maybe i'm just a dime a dozen. maybe some thick, buxom exotic woman with a barely-there top and painted on pants will just swoop right in and take my place. i've grown accustomed to being traded out for someone else. the newer, flashier model with all the bells and whistles. i just pray that this time is different. i just want to be good enough just once in my life.

she's been good enough all along. they just didn't know how to appreciate her. i just hope Konstantin's different, too.