never have i ever been more content with my life than i am right now. most people attribute happiness to the occurrence of several amazing things back to back. however, for me, it's been a whole lot of nothing - just many nights spent deep in thought, regaining perspective on life.
as a result, the trifecta has been disbanded. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm through with my pair and a spare. the pair have been reduced to friends i occasionally share kind words with. the spare was easy to rid myself of - once you stop answering the phone, those kinds of boys tend to get the hint. now all i'm left with is the the most important thing in the world, the only thing that matters - me, myself and i.
simply put, i've come to the realization that i love being alone. i love sleeping in my bed alone. i love going out to eat alone. even watching movies alone makes me happy. i've been attempting to garner relationships with different people all while ignoring the longest lasting, most meaningful relationship of them all, the one i have with myself.
after the whole fiasco with konstantin, i found myself telling him the things i wanted to hear: "trust your gut" "take the time to find out who you are and make yourself happy" "don't be afraid of change."
so i'm trusting my gut. it's telling me that solitude is the best defense mechanism i have right now. when i'm alone, no one can hurt me. when i'm alone, i have the chance to build on myself. when it's just me, i find out all the little bits and pieces that make up the person that i am. and there is nothing more amazing than knowing who you really are. someone recently asked me "who are you?" i was astounded to be able to give that person a true, well thought out answer. and knowing who i am means i can decipher my needs and my wants.
loving myself is a beautiful thing. you should try it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
the truth about cats and dogs
Oh Konstantin, dear Konstantin. he is by far the most confusing man i have ever come across. But what is more confounding is how i still understand him.
i flew down for a weekend of passion with him full of surprises to show my appreciation of him as a person. it was my personal goal to make his fantasies realities. i donned little outfits made of barely there material. we christened every corner of the house, then proceeded to letting the entire city into our den of lust from the eleventh floor window of a luxury suite. we fucked. we had sex. and then, we made love.
and that's when I saw Him. He was an animal. He convinced me to come out to play. as He entered me, i shook with pleasure. a pleasure i had never felt before. He made me tremble. the alpha male had come to dominate me. even if i tried to fight it, i couldn't. i was mesmerized. He had a hold on me that made my soul tremble in fear and ecstasy all at once. i felt my pussy clenching on to His manhood for dear life. i wanted him, all of Him, and didn't want to let Him go. that's a feeling i had never felt in my life.
Konstantin's id met with mine and i was helpless. there was no way K could protect me from this. it overpowered both of us. but it seems to have overpowered Konstantin too. the four of us connected in the most inexplicable way. we all wanted and cared for each other more than ever.
a few weeks had passed and i was planning our next rendezvous. his birthday was around the corner and i wanted to make it special. the more i asked for details and confirmations, the more he pulled away from me. i knew he didn't want me to come, but he wouldn't admit it to me. he pulled every excuse he could, from the full house story to low funds to reallocated funds to a busy birthday week. even going so far as to blasphemously claim to give up sex for lent (which, for the record he had no intention of doing. i guess it was just giving up sex with ME).
i was dumbfounded for a moment. he went from telling me how amazing i was, toasting to no more long drives, plane rides, and hotel rooms, admitting to me how i'm different from every other woman he's dealt with to telling me he needed a break from me.
a break from me? we live 500 miles apart. but then i realized something. as much as we may want each other, he's not in the right frame of mind to give me his all. and i can't be mad at that. i've told him to i don't want to rush him into anything, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to commit to a long distance relationship either. if he is to be mine, and i am to be his, then it will be. but i can't force it. hoping and wishing and waiting won't make it happen. i care for him deeply. though i want his happiness, i will not sacrifice my own. he needs this. he needs to take his id head on. hopefully, the battle doesn't kill everything i love about him.
my first reaction was to take control of us again. take long trips where the main focus is to fuck to my heart's content. i wanted to go on a rampage because He hurt me too. He sucked me into His spell, convinced me that it was safe for us to enter His lair, then He left us out to dry. there was no way i was going to let any man do that to us, especially not this one. i began to plot a week full of taking my frustrations out on unsuspecting prey. i wanted to rip every one of them to shreds for the tears He pulled out of us. yes, US. but D was right. replacing him isn't going to fix the problem. he can't be replaced. neither can the other side of him. i calmly retreated to my place between the world and her heart and waited. if D and i could find a balance, i'm sure the two of them can. i pray the two of them can for her heart's sake.
this is our reality...
~D~ & *K*
i flew down for a weekend of passion with him full of surprises to show my appreciation of him as a person. it was my personal goal to make his fantasies realities. i donned little outfits made of barely there material. we christened every corner of the house, then proceeded to letting the entire city into our den of lust from the eleventh floor window of a luxury suite. we fucked. we had sex. and then, we made love.
and that's when I saw Him. He was an animal. He convinced me to come out to play. as He entered me, i shook with pleasure. a pleasure i had never felt before. He made me tremble. the alpha male had come to dominate me. even if i tried to fight it, i couldn't. i was mesmerized. He had a hold on me that made my soul tremble in fear and ecstasy all at once. i felt my pussy clenching on to His manhood for dear life. i wanted him, all of Him, and didn't want to let Him go. that's a feeling i had never felt in my life.
Konstantin's id met with mine and i was helpless. there was no way K could protect me from this. it overpowered both of us. but it seems to have overpowered Konstantin too. the four of us connected in the most inexplicable way. we all wanted and cared for each other more than ever.
a few weeks had passed and i was planning our next rendezvous. his birthday was around the corner and i wanted to make it special. the more i asked for details and confirmations, the more he pulled away from me. i knew he didn't want me to come, but he wouldn't admit it to me. he pulled every excuse he could, from the full house story to low funds to reallocated funds to a busy birthday week. even going so far as to blasphemously claim to give up sex for lent (which, for the record he had no intention of doing. i guess it was just giving up sex with ME).
i was dumbfounded for a moment. he went from telling me how amazing i was, toasting to no more long drives, plane rides, and hotel rooms, admitting to me how i'm different from every other woman he's dealt with to telling me he needed a break from me.
a break from me? we live 500 miles apart. but then i realized something. as much as we may want each other, he's not in the right frame of mind to give me his all. and i can't be mad at that. i've told him to i don't want to rush him into anything, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to commit to a long distance relationship either. if he is to be mine, and i am to be his, then it will be. but i can't force it. hoping and wishing and waiting won't make it happen. i care for him deeply. though i want his happiness, i will not sacrifice my own. he needs this. he needs to take his id head on. hopefully, the battle doesn't kill everything i love about him.
my first reaction was to take control of us again. take long trips where the main focus is to fuck to my heart's content. i wanted to go on a rampage because He hurt me too. He sucked me into His spell, convinced me that it was safe for us to enter His lair, then He left us out to dry. there was no way i was going to let any man do that to us, especially not this one. i began to plot a week full of taking my frustrations out on unsuspecting prey. i wanted to rip every one of them to shreds for the tears He pulled out of us. yes, US. but D was right. replacing him isn't going to fix the problem. he can't be replaced. neither can the other side of him. i calmly retreated to my place between the world and her heart and waited. if D and i could find a balance, i'm sure the two of them can. i pray the two of them can for her heart's sake.
this is our reality...
~D~ & *K*
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