check your bags at the door...

when i get into a relationship, i try my damnedest to leave the past where it belongs - behind me. but it's impossible. as you live, you experience things that inevitably stick with you. these things color the way you see the world. they cause you to have a knee-jerk reaction when confronted with a similar situation. we can't help it. we just have to work around it, right?

last night, i helped Konstantin go through some boxes to look for some documents he needed. in doing so, i came across the "x-files". you know, the box people normally have in the back of their closet with letters, CDs, pictures, etc. it wasn't so much that Konstantin had this box. i personally don't have one, but that's because i don't hold on to physical reminders of my past. when the relationship ends, the souvenirs get tossed with the next day's trash. it is what it is: over. but i totally understand that his past with his ex was a long and turbulent one. i mean, seven years can't be forgotten over night. the thing is what saddens me is that he kept EVERYTHING. receipts, with notes on what a great time they had. plane tickets. movie tickets. little notes left in pockets. every moment, no matter how small or insignificant, was saved. i'm not sad because he has it, nor am i upset that it's found it's way into my house. i'm sad because i know what COULD be. i know he is fully capable of buying me flowers "just because". i know he has it in him to love me to the point that he would want to get down on one knee and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. i know he has it in him to commit to me and think about a future with me. i just wonder how deep in him that is. how many protective layers is it buried under? how much does he need to go through before that part of him comes back out?

when you put yourself out there, and leave all of your cards on the table, you run the risk of getting burned. in his case, he was burned badly. i get that. i've been burned too. it is so hard to be in a relationship with a good person when you've been with a bad one for so long. but know this - it's hard to be with a good person who has been with a bad person too. they can be jaded. sometimes they're scared. and those knee-jerk reactions to normal every day arguments that even people in good relationships have can send them spiraling back into the black hole they came from. i can't heal all of his wounds. he has to do that for himself. but what i can do is be myself - the woman who is worth all the cards he has and who won't play him for a fool.

fuck the flowers and the concert tickets and the jewelry boxes. if he gave me his heart, that would be the only gift i'd ever need. and i swear on everything that is sacred to me, i'd never break it.

~D~

daddy's little girl

i realized last night something quite profound. every man i've ever loved has, at some point, left me, beginning with the man who started it all - my father.

at five years old, my father left our home to be stationed elsewhere with no promise of us following suit any time soon. he'd come home and lavish me with gifts only to leave me a few days later. i blamed myself for every time he walked out the door. maybe i didn't shine his boots the right way. maybe i didn't make his french toast just right. i tried my hardest to make him stay, but he never did. in stead, he replaced me with his new wife's daughter. and when he divorced her, he found another woman to care for and yet another girl to walk down the aisle. never once did he look back. not while he was happily in a relationship, anyway.

from then on, i've fought tooth and nail to keep the man i loved from leaving me. and here we are. Konstantin and i forging a relationship in this mess. i feel terrible admitting this, but i'm petrified of losing him because for once in my life i feel like i love someone who is truly worth what i bring to the table. what hurts even more is having to keep my feelings to myself every day trying to forget the fear that is tearing me to shreds inside.

i will myself to believe that everything is just peachy and that i have nothing to be afraid of, but when you've had a track record like mine, your will would have a snowball's chance in hell, too.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just replaceable. maybe i'm just a dime a dozen. maybe some thick, buxom exotic woman with a barely-there top and painted on pants will just swoop right in and take my place. i've grown accustomed to being traded out for someone else. the newer, flashier model with all the bells and whistles. i just pray that this time is different. i just want to be good enough just once in my life.

she's been good enough all along. they just didn't know how to appreciate her. i just hope Konstantin's different, too.

my little secret(s)...

last night Konstantin and i went to an eye-opening event. we saw Frank Warren speak about his compelling artistic project known as PostSecret. he has spent the past 5 years collecting people's secrets: the good, the bad and the ugly. when i left the auditorium, all the words i could conjure up to express the well of emotions anxious to burst out of me were left there in the seat i was in, staring blankly at the empty stage, trying to sift through all the secrets floating in the air - secrets that were uttered, whispered across seats, and even written on postcards left on random chairs on the way out.

i cried myself to sleep last night. i realized that we all have secrets. some, we find humorous and embarrassing. others, we want to take to the grave. but bottom line, we're not alone with our secrets. someone else in this world shares it with you and doesn't know what to do with it either. last night, i realized i didn't want to die not having shared who i am with someone... anyone... so i'm sharing my secrets with you. i'll share one a day until i'm left with none. by the end of it all, i'll be emotionally naked before the world. i don't think there's anything more liberating.

secret # 1: i talk to myself. and myself answers. i replay conversations i've had throughout the day and think about what i should have said instead of what first popped into my head. i ridicule myself for having sounded stupid. i practice what i'm going to say in a fight, only to throw it all out the window and settle for what is logical and appeasing rather than what would really hurt the other person. strange, i know, but it's what i do.

~D~

heart, don't fail me now...

a few nights ago, i was so angry that i promised you all a fiery piece of work. one like nothing i've ever written in my life, because what was burning deep within my chest was a feeling i knew all too well and i didn't want to feel again. but the anger turned into hurt, which led to tears and a void. i realized that every brick in my wall protecting my heart was shattered and there i was...

vul·ner·a·ble - adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

i didn't get it. i thought for once we were safe. i thought that for once we weren't going to get hurt. this is why i hate falling in love.

i read once that no matter how perfectly paired a couple is, one person inevitably loves the other one more. and here i am, stuck being the one who pines over the other person helplessly as he struggles to figure out what exactly he feels for me. it isn't love, but it's something. but is that something enough? i wholeheartedly want to believe so. i want to think that whatever is bubbling inside him can one day turn into what i feel. but those hopes are short-lived. in short, he could never, ever love me in his entire existence as much as i love him at this very moment.

that isn't to say that he will never love me. on the contrary - loving me is actually quite simple. many men have loved me. many still do. i can't help that fact. however, their love is far different from mine. when i love, it radiates from the depths of my very being. my heart is so eager to open itself to all the joys and pains that are associated with love that, when we feel an apt suitor has presented himself, it would do anything to feel that rush of emotion that sends it palpitating so forcefully that at times i wonder how audible the pounding is.

so bottom line, Konstantin has us in a place that we hate being - out of control. a few nights ago, i tried to force D to stop crying, but she couldn't. hell, even i had to shed a few tears myself. but her sobs were gut wrenching. we feared he didn't want us anymore. i mean, it isn't an impossibility to think the same thing when you leave everything you've ever known to give a relationship with someone a good ol' college try, and he quite frankly tells you he doesn't love you. i was so tempted to force D to pack up everything and go back up north, where the men are a dime a dozen and they all want a crack at us. but, when weighing the two options, even i couldn't bear to be apart from him. he truly is what makes us happy. but as of late, he isn't who we fell in love with. he's not as affectionate or as considerate. the romance has faded. he's far too comfortable in his current position. one thing i cannot tolerate is being taken for granted. D has spent far too much time in relationships where she's been looked over and cast to the side for frivolities. never again. it is time we regained control.

in a relationship, when a man is in control, he gives in to his selfish, self-indulgent desires, leaving his partner to the wayside. but when a woman is in control she rules as a benevolent dictator, keeping the couple's interests at heart. i think it's high time i take back our throne. for starters, i have to devise a plan to show Konstantin exactly what he has. and, while doing so, i must set my standards for our relationship - what i want, what i will tolerate, and what is unquestionably unacceptable. i think he'll be pleasantly surprised with what will not be in the "unacceptable" bucket. i've seen D go unappreciated for far too many years, and though this romance has only been gestating for a few months, i'd rather the rules of the game be set now, rather than at the two-and-a-half-year "what do we do now" point.

so in control is what i'll soon be feeling. everything will be back to normal. he doesn't have to love me right away, just appreciate me for who i am. because, quite frankly, i'm pretty fucking awesome. a coworker of mine once told me that a relationship where a man loves the woman more than what she loves him are usually the best. i beg to differ. it doesn't matter as to who loves more, it's about trusting that the other person has your best interests at heart. it's about not having to poll your friends and family about what your partner said or did and what it could mean, because, once you trust your gut, you know you're in a real, honest to goodness, functioning relationship. i'll always love him more. but i know, once learns to be grateful for the wonderful things he has in me, he can love me the way i need him to love me. compared to my kind of love, it's not much, but my heart knows it's just right.

~D~ & *K*