a whole new world...

and a new phase begins. it's been months since we last caught up, but in those months, my whole entire existence has changed. K and i have found ourselves at peace. the war over turf is over. she and i seemed to have become one.

or so she'd like to belive. i'm still here. still ever-present in her heart. keeping her strong when she thinks she's going to falter. i'll always be here, but she's right. we're at peace.

ok, so she's still there. but she has to be. you see, we've mad some drastic changes in the past few months. i'll give you the cliff's notes version for now:

for one, the wrath of Konstantin's id on my heart has ended. i can't even explain how it happened. one day i decided i was going to leave my big city life where nothing what happening for me to move to a happy little town full of palm trees and warm nights. i dreamed of a new beginning. one where joblessness and homelessness was no longer an option. one where i could finally spread the wings i had developed in the cocoon of solitude. the more i spoke of this idea, the more he's ask for dates, timelines, budgets, when, where, how. i had no clue where his sudden interest my path of choice came from, but i'm not going to lie, i liked it.

i loved how he was concerned about my ability to strike out into the unknown and survive. he failed to realize that we (K and i) were born for this moment. but then, he did the unexpected. he asked me if i'd wanted to live with him. i was speechless, elated, and frightened all at once. was this man, the one who had somehow managed to cleft my heart in two just months before, the one who has never directly told me what he wants from me, the man who i thought was either going to be a bachelor forever or back with his ex, asking me to be a part of his quotidian life?

it didn't stop there. he helped move me there. he reserved my storage facility. he took it upon himself to find us a home. yes, a HOME. he became the man i'd always wanted him to be for me - the man i could see deep in his eyes. that's the man that took my breath away time and time again. a few days after i had arrived, i got an offer i couldn't refuse. my career was finally taking off. as a congratulatory gift, he gave me something that i cherish more than anything he's ever given me - his commitment.

Konstantin and i are now living blissfully in sin. it's an effortless bonds that makes me happy from the moment i awake till we're falling asleep in a haze of the remnants of a passionate encounter. i'm so happy. this is effortless for me. but it's hard to say the same for him. he's trying to adjust, but it's taking him much longer than i had thought. i'm being patient, though.

the thing is, i've fallen in love with him. but this isn't recent news. most of you know this has been the man i haven't been able to get enough of, and i finally realized why. i am madly in love with him. and i know that frightens him. he's not used to a woman like me (correction, like US). he is the first man that i've been able to trust wholeheartedly. his past doesn't frighten or intimidate me. it's just another part of him that makes me love him more. do i know about his sordid little secrets? of course. he's ashamed of some aspects of his past, but none of it bothers me. it all makes him the man he is now. the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand. his boyish charm makes my heart melt. there is an innocence about him, despite all the lusty deeds that defined the beginnings of our relationship.

i have finally reached a point where i can make myself happy. he's my cherry on top.

All by myself... I want to be all by myself...

never have i ever been more content with my life than i am right now. most people attribute happiness to the occurrence of several amazing things back to back. however, for me, it's been a whole lot of nothing - just many nights spent deep in thought, regaining perspective on life.

as a result, the trifecta has been disbanded. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm through with my pair and a spare. the pair have been reduced to friends i occasionally share kind words with. the spare was easy to rid myself of - once you stop answering the phone, those kinds of boys tend to get the hint. now all i'm left with is the the most important thing in the world, the only thing that matters - me, myself and i.

simply put, i've come to the realization that i love being alone. i love sleeping in my bed alone. i love going out to eat alone. even watching movies alone makes me happy. i've been attempting to garner relationships with different people all while ignoring the longest lasting, most meaningful relationship of them all, the one i have with myself.

after the whole fiasco with konstantin, i found myself telling him the things i wanted to hear: "trust your gut" "take the time to find out who you are and make yourself happy" "don't be afraid of change."

so i'm trusting my gut. it's telling me that solitude is the best defense mechanism i have right now. when i'm alone, no one can hurt me. when i'm alone, i have the chance to build on myself. when it's just me, i find out all the little bits and pieces that make up the person that i am. and there is nothing more amazing than knowing who you really are. someone recently asked me "who are you?" i was astounded to be able to give that person a true, well thought out answer. and knowing who i am means i can decipher my needs and my wants.

loving myself is a beautiful thing. you should try it.

the truth about cats and dogs

Oh Konstantin, dear Konstantin. he is by far the most confusing man i have ever come across. But what is more confounding is how i still understand him.

i flew down for a weekend of passion with him full of surprises to show my appreciation of him as a person. it was my personal goal to make his fantasies realities. i donned little outfits made of barely there material. we christened every corner of the house, then proceeded to letting the entire city into our den of lust from the eleventh floor window of a luxury suite. we fucked. we had sex. and then, we made love.

and that's when I saw Him. He was an animal. He convinced me to come out to play. as He entered me, i shook with pleasure. a pleasure i had never felt before. He made me tremble. the alpha male had come to dominate me. even if i tried to fight it, i couldn't. i was mesmerized. He had a hold on me that made my soul tremble in fear and ecstasy all at once. i felt my pussy clenching on to His manhood for dear life. i wanted him, all of Him, and didn't want to let Him go. that's a feeling i had never felt in my life.

Konstantin's id met with mine and i was helpless. there was no way K could protect me from this. it overpowered both of us. but it seems to have overpowered Konstantin too. the four of us connected in the most inexplicable way. we all wanted and cared for each other more than ever.

a few weeks had passed and i was planning our next rendezvous. his birthday was around the corner and i wanted to make it special. the more i asked for details and confirmations, the more he pulled away from me. i knew he didn't want me to come, but he wouldn't admit it to me. he pulled every excuse he could, from the full house story to low funds to reallocated funds to a busy birthday week. even going so far as to blasphemously claim to give up sex for lent (which, for the record he had no intention of doing. i guess it was just giving up sex with ME).

i was dumbfounded for a moment. he went from telling me how amazing i was, toasting to no more long drives, plane rides, and hotel rooms, admitting to me how i'm different from every other woman he's dealt with to telling me he needed a break from me.

a break from me? we live 500 miles apart. but then i realized something. as much as we may want each other, he's not in the right frame of mind to give me his all. and i can't be mad at that. i've told him to i don't want to rush him into anything, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to commit to a long distance relationship either. if he is to be mine, and i am to be his, then it will be. but i can't force it. hoping and wishing and waiting won't make it happen. i care for him deeply. though i want his happiness, i will not sacrifice my own. he needs this. he needs to take his id head on. hopefully, the battle doesn't kill everything i love about him.

my first reaction was to take control of us again. take long trips where the main focus is to fuck to my heart's content. i wanted to go on a rampage because He hurt me too. He sucked me into His spell, convinced me that it was safe for us to enter His lair, then He left us out to dry. there was no way i was going to let any man do that to us, especially not this one. i began to plot a week full of taking my frustrations out on unsuspecting prey. i wanted to rip every one of them to shreds for the tears He pulled out of us. yes, US. but D was right. replacing him isn't going to fix the problem. he can't be replaced. neither can the other side of him. i calmly retreated to my place between the world and her heart and waited. if D and i could find a balance, i'm sure the two of them can. i pray the two of them can for her heart's sake.

this is our reality...

~D~ & *K*

a new perspective

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

yeah, yeah. i know i haven't said anything in a long time, but i haven't had much to say... until now.

the new year has brought a new perspective. i was introduced to the concept of a pair and a spare. as the theory states, a single gal should always have three guys in her dating rotation. with one, she goes on adventures with - hiking, kayaking, camping, rock climbing, traveling, etc. with another, she shares cultural experiences - plays, museums, 5-star restaurants and what not. the third serves as a pinch hitter, especially on those late nights, if you know what i'm saying. clearly, the first two would be her pair and the final, her spare. the three may be interchanged: pairs can become a spare and vice versa. one could be dropped and replaced with someone new. but, until she meets the one who appeals to her adventurous side and her intellect, as well as incites her lustful desires, she is to remain single with her three man rotation.

this got me thinking. in my dating repertoire, who fits where? let's begin with my pair, shall we?

Anatolii hails from the pj's. Somewhat rough and rugged, he enjoys, running, hiking, beer and sports. he's quite the movie buff and very giving. he's a handsome, doting father to a little girl who is a character to say the least.

but (of course you expect the "buts" coming from me), he's needy. he PMSs like a bitch. he throws 3 year old tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. his kisses make my stomach churn and his touches are passionless. needless to say, the lust factor is non-existent. did i mention he can't dance? oh. and his kid is nightmare. she has no manners and is allowed to run a muck whenever she wants to. oh, the joys of dealing with a weekend father...

the second of the pair i guess could be considered Fillipp. he enjoys the finer things in life: amazing restaurants, great wine, so on and so forth. he spoils me without asking him for anything. he goes above and beyond to make me smile. total sweet heart.

but he drinks too much. he parties too hard. he forgets who he is. romance and seduction is not a part of his vocabulary. when it comes to that department, he's actually more of a child than anything else. never having had a serious relationship, he doesn't understand what it's like. D feels the need to protect him from himself, like Wendy protects her brothers and the Lost Boys.

and now, on to my spare. a lovely bloke named Andrei, he's a war vet. a brave soul. handsome as can be. green eyes, tan skin, beautiful smile. the first time he and I had a romp in the sheets, we had a blast. very casual, very relaxed. completely and totally NSA.

and though he was good and bed, he is by far not the best. scheduling is always an issue, and with my lack of effort for just "good" it never seems to work out. he has two kids, who he sees on the weekends. he's had a vasectomy, so there goes D's dream of having a family. and though the small talk is ok, it's not quite the deep conversations D and i love to have. oh, and did she mention the PTSD from war? Yeah, that throws a wrench in the mix too.

so let me give you an example of what i would like. Remember Konstantin and "the fence"? Well, the more i straddled that fence, the more i felt the deep urge to straddle him (we lust for him, we can't help it. thinking about it makes my lady parts tingle). he just does something to me... yes, we are still free to do as we please. the only problem is that he lacks persepctive. he can't separate what his (dick) head wants from what his heart desires. it's hard for him to accept things "as is". however, K and i are both happy with him. he understands both of our needs, wants and deep desires and is incredible at bringing them into fruition (often times, all at once and multiple times a day). he gives us that temporary BFE, an oasis of passion, lust, deep connection and comfort. i crave him. i can admit that. and though he may not openly do the same, he craves me just as much. but he also is still battling with that inner need for "playboy" status. and i don't mind. i don't pressure him, since i am not his and he is not mine. with him, i'm patient and kind. i don't envy his play things (because who envies mediocrity?), i don't boast about mine, nor i let my pride get the best of me. when it comes to our conversations, i'm not rude, nor am i self-seeking. i don't anger easily anymore. and i have no desire to bring up his wrongs (we want him to be a better man, not a broken one). i'm not afraid to be 100% truthful with him. though sometimes, he isn't as honest with me, i understand it's because he wants to protect me. i wish he'd realize that he has my trust (more than anyone else has gotten out of us, that's for sure). i have high hopes for him becoming the man he's always wanted to be. and i will constantly persevere to be there for him in the best of my ability in whatever capacity he feels comfortable with.

why i'm so flexible and understanding with him, i don't know.

but, i sure do love seeing how flexible we can get... if you know what i mean.

~D~ & *K*