check your bags at the door...

when i get into a relationship, i try my damnedest to leave the past where it belongs - behind me. but it's impossible. as you live, you experience things that inevitably stick with you. these things color the way you see the world. they cause you to have a knee-jerk reaction when confronted with a similar situation. we can't help it. we just have to work around it, right?

last night, i helped Konstantin go through some boxes to look for some documents he needed. in doing so, i came across the "x-files". you know, the box people normally have in the back of their closet with letters, CDs, pictures, etc. it wasn't so much that Konstantin had this box. i personally don't have one, but that's because i don't hold on to physical reminders of my past. when the relationship ends, the souvenirs get tossed with the next day's trash. it is what it is: over. but i totally understand that his past with his ex was a long and turbulent one. i mean, seven years can't be forgotten over night. the thing is what saddens me is that he kept EVERYTHING. receipts, with notes on what a great time they had. plane tickets. movie tickets. little notes left in pockets. every moment, no matter how small or insignificant, was saved. i'm not sad because he has it, nor am i upset that it's found it's way into my house. i'm sad because i know what COULD be. i know he is fully capable of buying me flowers "just because". i know he has it in him to love me to the point that he would want to get down on one knee and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. i know he has it in him to commit to me and think about a future with me. i just wonder how deep in him that is. how many protective layers is it buried under? how much does he need to go through before that part of him comes back out?

when you put yourself out there, and leave all of your cards on the table, you run the risk of getting burned. in his case, he was burned badly. i get that. i've been burned too. it is so hard to be in a relationship with a good person when you've been with a bad one for so long. but know this - it's hard to be with a good person who has been with a bad person too. they can be jaded. sometimes they're scared. and those knee-jerk reactions to normal every day arguments that even people in good relationships have can send them spiraling back into the black hole they came from. i can't heal all of his wounds. he has to do that for himself. but what i can do is be myself - the woman who is worth all the cards he has and who won't play him for a fool.

fuck the flowers and the concert tickets and the jewelry boxes. if he gave me his heart, that would be the only gift i'd ever need. and i swear on everything that is sacred to me, i'd never break it.

~D~

daddy's little girl

i realized last night something quite profound. every man i've ever loved has, at some point, left me, beginning with the man who started it all - my father.

at five years old, my father left our home to be stationed elsewhere with no promise of us following suit any time soon. he'd come home and lavish me with gifts only to leave me a few days later. i blamed myself for every time he walked out the door. maybe i didn't shine his boots the right way. maybe i didn't make his french toast just right. i tried my hardest to make him stay, but he never did. in stead, he replaced me with his new wife's daughter. and when he divorced her, he found another woman to care for and yet another girl to walk down the aisle. never once did he look back. not while he was happily in a relationship, anyway.

from then on, i've fought tooth and nail to keep the man i loved from leaving me. and here we are. Konstantin and i forging a relationship in this mess. i feel terrible admitting this, but i'm petrified of losing him because for once in my life i feel like i love someone who is truly worth what i bring to the table. what hurts even more is having to keep my feelings to myself every day trying to forget the fear that is tearing me to shreds inside.

i will myself to believe that everything is just peachy and that i have nothing to be afraid of, but when you've had a track record like mine, your will would have a snowball's chance in hell, too.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just replaceable. maybe i'm just a dime a dozen. maybe some thick, buxom exotic woman with a barely-there top and painted on pants will just swoop right in and take my place. i've grown accustomed to being traded out for someone else. the newer, flashier model with all the bells and whistles. i just pray that this time is different. i just want to be good enough just once in my life.

she's been good enough all along. they just didn't know how to appreciate her. i just hope Konstantin's different, too.