jealousy: the mental cancer

there's this little beast that lives inside me and i can't shake it. it's green, it's ugly, and it gets me in mass amounts of trouble. its name is "envy."

i've come to the realization that am a true virgo. i cannot stand competition from other females in any way, shape, or form. particularly when it comes to the opposite sex. when i begin dealing with a man, i mark him as my territory. i can't help it, i just do it. it doesn't matter how innocent the relationship is, either.

exhibit a: the little one and the den mother

at a party, i ran into an adorable young man (hereinafter known as Aleksei) while talking to a guy that i went to high school with (a mutual friend). Aleksei was beyond plastered when he decided to take my drink out of my hand, and with a wave of his finger announced "a lady should never be drunk!" he chugged my drink, handed me the empty vessel and took me out on the dance floor. from that moment on i knew i loved him, but not in the "when a man loves a woman" sense.

see, the two gentlemen were both attempting to bring an organization to their campus - something that i had done a few years prior. seeing them incited a need to protect and nurture. i was like wendy amongst the lost boys and i loved it. but not for long.

Aleksei invited me to a shindig a few days later. i brought along a good friend of mine - we shall call her Aniya. Aniya was involved in an on-again-off-again relationship with the father of her child. a volatile situation that i knew was not going to result in a healthy relationship for my little Aleksei. though i have nothing but love for Aniya, i couldn't allow Aleksei to get his heart mangled by a girl who didn't even know what she wanted out of a relationship.

the more they hung out, the more my blood boiled. if you can, attempt to see things from my perspective: i, being the den mother, have to watch my fragile little one jump head first into a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be with him in the long run, putting his emotions at risk. yes, people, i know it's not my responsibility to protect him, but that's just how i am.

Aniya and Aleksei didn't last very long, as expected. but for the record, i had nothing to do with it. i distanced myself from both parties and let it work itself out.

exhibit b: innocent dalliance with the mid western wooer

Iosef, as we shall call him, was the definition of perfection. having pledged his allegiance to an organization very similar to mine, he oozed political awareness, cultural pride, and swag like no other. this ex-con turned scholar's vocabulary was immense. his prose flowed like the nile river which in turn made my moisture flow as well, if you know what i mean (*wink*). intelligence is just so sexy. that, mixed with a bad boy past made him irresistible. the only problems were that he was: a) too far away and b) a big flirt. now, we both recognized that if we were in the same town, we'd be a force to be reckoned with. however, since this was not the case, we left it to passionate discussions and detailed accounts of what could be.

well, after a while i noticed that i was initiating conversation far too often. and other females seemed to be reaching him fairly easily, which infuriated me. i can honestly say, i despise competition. a simple "hey sweetie, i loved talking to you last night" from another woman would make me livid. yes, i realize that he is not mine, therefore i have no right to mark my territory, but then again, do public fire hydrants belong to any particular dog? no, but they pee on them nonetheless. stupid i know, but again, that is how i am.

exhibit c: straddling the fence with the turbid twin

when it comes to the opposite sex, i realize that there is a fine line between lovers and friends. can that line be constantly crossed before emotions come into play? though i wanted to have a part time lover and a full time friend, things got interesting between a certain gentleman and me.

Konstantin and i had known each other for three years before anything transpired between us. and again, it all stemmed from his ability to entice me intellectually (notice a trend yet?). we shared poetry and music and he seemed to understand the deepest levels of my being. if his voice could melt the panties off me, imagine what the rest of him could do in person.

Konstantin was an amazing lover and a deep individual, but he lacked a firm standing in his own desires. he never knew what he wanted. one day, he wanted to be back with his ex. the next he wanted to be a playboy. we clearly had feelings for each other, but because of circumstances we put them on the back burner. then SHE popped up.

though we were both free to do as we pleased, we each had certain people we'd rather the other not experiment with. the one person i really didn't want him dealing with was Varvara. i had jokingly told him that she seemed down and out and he should help her raise her self esteem by giving her a good romp in the sack. why he decided to take my joke seriously, i have no idea. but what i really don't understand is why he decided to do it hours after he'd engulfed himself in my scent. i secretly thought to myself, "i hope she likes the way i taste."

ok, ok, so i know, i guess i kind of set myself up for that one. how could i get mad at him when i told him to do it in the first place, joking or not? but having to watch the flirtatious interchange between the two of them AFTER knowing the truth made my stomach churn. let's just say those who have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the two of us can honestly say that i'm of higher caliber. the green in me reminds me of that regularly.

we attempted to retreat back to the "friend zone" after we had realized that emotions had gotten the best of us. but neither of us really enjoyed listening to the escapades of the other. the flirtation slowed down as we stepped into a grey area i like to call "the fence." i miss what we were terribly.

so now that we've seen how i've reacted in these situations, i'd like to introduce K's remedy: "quick-to-cut-a-dude-off" syndrome. for some reason, she doesn't get jealous. she walks away.

(~D~)

exactly, because as our mentor has told us, jealousy is the manifestation of insecurity within oneself. and the goal here is total security. we no longer have time for this tomfoolery. we're on the road to becoming the H.B.I.C. and that requires nothing but confidence, a firm sense of self, proper prioritization (putting yourself first, of course), and a fully functioning bullshit radar. jealousy only fucks with the calibration.

why be jealous of these broads anyway? if these guys can't see how amazing you are and aren't willing to jump through hoops to be with you, then what do they matter? they could be fantastic play things, but you need to leave it at that. have they done anything to earn your thoughts? have they done anything even remotely close to deserve the energy required to be jealous? and, for the record, a good dick down isn't enough, darling.

this situation is typical to our virgoan existence. it is a natural weeding out process, separating the men from the boys. there is no need to fret. appreciate them for what they're worth, but understand that you run this shit. and the one who is worth your energy will never cease to work for it.

your main concern should be in protecting and preserving yourself. don't worry about those around you because all you're doing is adding unessecary weight on your shoulders. i'm not saying ignore everyone and everything. but reasses the value you have given yourself. is protecting the emotions of someone else worth getting your knickers in a twist for? probably not.

i think your ass needs to pay closer attention in training class, D...

(*K*)