heart, don't fail me now...

a few nights ago, i was so angry that i promised you all a fiery piece of work. one like nothing i've ever written in my life, because what was burning deep within my chest was a feeling i knew all too well and i didn't want to feel again. but the anger turned into hurt, which led to tears and a void. i realized that every brick in my wall protecting my heart was shattered and there i was...

vul·ner·a·ble - adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

i didn't get it. i thought for once we were safe. i thought that for once we weren't going to get hurt. this is why i hate falling in love.

i read once that no matter how perfectly paired a couple is, one person inevitably loves the other one more. and here i am, stuck being the one who pines over the other person helplessly as he struggles to figure out what exactly he feels for me. it isn't love, but it's something. but is that something enough? i wholeheartedly want to believe so. i want to think that whatever is bubbling inside him can one day turn into what i feel. but those hopes are short-lived. in short, he could never, ever love me in his entire existence as much as i love him at this very moment.

that isn't to say that he will never love me. on the contrary - loving me is actually quite simple. many men have loved me. many still do. i can't help that fact. however, their love is far different from mine. when i love, it radiates from the depths of my very being. my heart is so eager to open itself to all the joys and pains that are associated with love that, when we feel an apt suitor has presented himself, it would do anything to feel that rush of emotion that sends it palpitating so forcefully that at times i wonder how audible the pounding is.

so bottom line, Konstantin has us in a place that we hate being - out of control. a few nights ago, i tried to force D to stop crying, but she couldn't. hell, even i had to shed a few tears myself. but her sobs were gut wrenching. we feared he didn't want us anymore. i mean, it isn't an impossibility to think the same thing when you leave everything you've ever known to give a relationship with someone a good ol' college try, and he quite frankly tells you he doesn't love you. i was so tempted to force D to pack up everything and go back up north, where the men are a dime a dozen and they all want a crack at us. but, when weighing the two options, even i couldn't bear to be apart from him. he truly is what makes us happy. but as of late, he isn't who we fell in love with. he's not as affectionate or as considerate. the romance has faded. he's far too comfortable in his current position. one thing i cannot tolerate is being taken for granted. D has spent far too much time in relationships where she's been looked over and cast to the side for frivolities. never again. it is time we regained control.

in a relationship, when a man is in control, he gives in to his selfish, self-indulgent desires, leaving his partner to the wayside. but when a woman is in control she rules as a benevolent dictator, keeping the couple's interests at heart. i think it's high time i take back our throne. for starters, i have to devise a plan to show Konstantin exactly what he has. and, while doing so, i must set my standards for our relationship - what i want, what i will tolerate, and what is unquestionably unacceptable. i think he'll be pleasantly surprised with what will not be in the "unacceptable" bucket. i've seen D go unappreciated for far too many years, and though this romance has only been gestating for a few months, i'd rather the rules of the game be set now, rather than at the two-and-a-half-year "what do we do now" point.

so in control is what i'll soon be feeling. everything will be back to normal. he doesn't have to love me right away, just appreciate me for who i am. because, quite frankly, i'm pretty fucking awesome. a coworker of mine once told me that a relationship where a man loves the woman more than what she loves him are usually the best. i beg to differ. it doesn't matter as to who loves more, it's about trusting that the other person has your best interests at heart. it's about not having to poll your friends and family about what your partner said or did and what it could mean, because, once you trust your gut, you know you're in a real, honest to goodness, functioning relationship. i'll always love him more. but i know, once learns to be grateful for the wonderful things he has in me, he can love me the way i need him to love me. compared to my kind of love, it's not much, but my heart knows it's just right.

~D~ & *K*