the fall of an empire

after nearly a year an a half, Konstantin left me under the pretense that he does not feel the way i feel for him. here is an overview of how the past few days have gone:

day 1 - after he drove away from our home, i cried incessantly. my heart physically hurt. i was broken. i wanted to drink and smoke everything in sight. i was headed down a very familiar destructive path, simply because i knew it would make the pain go away. i stayed up until about 10am in the morning, unable to sleep. it was over and my will to move on was gone with him.

after a few stern talking-to's by my friends, my family, and even his mother, the pain began to ease. even his mother told me "i told you to run a long time ago. as a woman, you can only take so much. you're a wonderful woman, and he's had three ambitious, strong-willed women in his life and he's let them all go. there is something in him that he needs to fix. maybe he's not strong enough to have a strong woman like you guys. maybe he needs a weak one. but know that everything will be fine. you'll go forward and do great things. he'll probably regret leaving you, just like his father regrets not having me. but you'll be okay. just be strong and love yourself."

i had kind of forgotten how to do that while i was spending all my love on him. yes, i had been taking care of myself - eating right, going to the gym, etc. but i had forgotten that i was priority number one in my life. not him.

my older brother made me promise him not to drink (hard liquor, i was only allowed three glasses of wine per day) or smoke, so that i don't undo the 65 pound progress i've made. he made me promise to stay on track and tune into my inner diva, even if i had to fake it until i felt it was real.

i took my ass to the most amazing women's fitness studio and worked out for hours. on the spinning bike, i cried, not because it was hard, but because i needed to let all of those emotions out. my tears mixed with the sweat rolled down my face, and i pushed myself harder. i pedaled faster. in my head, i was running away from all the hurt. three hours later, i felt good.

i came back to our home and didn't feel uncomfortable. i was home. whether he was here or not. this is home. i walked through the house and was able to smile.

day 2 - i woke up and felt like i had the best sleep in the world. got dolled up, went to work, and started to realize a few things.

for starters, i'm an amazing woman. i have so much to give, and i deserve so much. yes, i love Konstantin, and i always will, but i don't like who is is now. at this stage in his life he doesn't deserve me. he isn't ready to be the man i need. and he isn't ready to love me the way i deserve to be loved. i am not defined by this or any relationship. if he came back asking for another chance, would i give it to him? abso-fucking-lutely. but only if he's actually ready to stop being just my boyfriend and start progressing towards a future. if he doesn't come back, will i be heartbroken? abso-fucking-lutely not. why? because i will have what i want and what i deserve, and i'm not settling for less. i had actually allowed myself to believe that i didn't one day want to get married and have children, all because he didn't know if he wanted that. are you fucking kidding me? never again.

that day, i kept my promise to my brother. i ate healthy (because miraculously my appetite came back), i only had one class of wine, and i had an wonderful evening with my best friend. i went to sleep with a huge smile on my face because i didn't cry. i got choked up a bit when i pulled his towel off the door that smelled like him, and i got a little misty eyed at the airport when i saw the TSA agents walking around the airport (that's his profession). but i held it together.

today - day 3 - i'm up and i'm still feeling good. i now know that i am not to blame for this. he doesn't feel for me the way i feel for him (yes, present tense, because i still love him). so what? could it be that he's intimidated by my ambition? maybe. could it be that he feels insecure about the fact that i'm 35 pounds away from being 100 pounds lighter than when he first met me? am i getting so sexy that he fears i'm going to leave him? could be. but then again, he beat me to the punch, now didn't he? whatever the reason, i'm okay with it. it's not going to stop me from doing what i want to do with my life. it's not going to stop me from feeling good about myself and treating myself well. it's just not going to stop me.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a world to take over.

~D~