a few nights ago, i was so angry that i promised you all a fiery piece of work. one like nothing i've ever written in my life, because what was burning deep within my chest was a feeling i knew all too well and i didn't want to feel again. but the anger turned into hurt, which led to tears and a void. i realized that every brick in my wall protecting my heart was shattered and there i was...
vul·ner·a·ble - adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend
i didn't get it. i thought for once we were safe. i thought that for once we weren't going to get hurt. this is why i hate falling in love.
i read once that no matter how perfectly paired a couple is, one person inevitably loves the other one more. and here i am, stuck being the one who pines over the other person helplessly as he struggles to figure out what exactly he feels for me. it isn't love, but it's something. but is that something enough? i wholeheartedly want to believe so. i want to think that whatever is bubbling inside him can one day turn into what i feel. but those hopes are short-lived. in short, he could never, ever love me in his entire existence as much as i love him at this very moment.
that isn't to say that he will never love me. on the contrary - loving me is actually quite simple. many men have loved me. many still do. i can't help that fact. however, their love is far different from mine. when i love, it radiates from the depths of my very being. my heart is so eager to open itself to all the joys and pains that are associated with love that, when we feel an apt suitor has presented himself, it would do anything to feel that rush of emotion that sends it palpitating so forcefully that at times i wonder how audible the pounding is.
so bottom line, Konstantin has us in a place that we hate being - out of control. a few nights ago, i tried to force D to stop crying, but she couldn't. hell, even i had to shed a few tears myself. but her sobs were gut wrenching. we feared he didn't want us anymore. i mean, it isn't an impossibility to think the same thing when you leave everything you've ever known to give a relationship with someone a good ol' college try, and he quite frankly tells you he doesn't love you. i was so tempted to force D to pack up everything and go back up north, where the men are a dime a dozen and they all want a crack at us. but, when weighing the two options, even i couldn't bear to be apart from him. he truly is what makes us happy. but as of late, he isn't who we fell in love with. he's not as affectionate or as considerate. the romance has faded. he's far too comfortable in his current position. one thing i cannot tolerate is being taken for granted. D has spent far too much time in relationships where she's been looked over and cast to the side for frivolities. never again. it is time we regained control.
in a relationship, when a man is in control, he gives in to his selfish, self-indulgent desires, leaving his partner to the wayside. but when a woman is in control she rules as a benevolent dictator, keeping the couple's interests at heart. i think it's high time i take back our throne. for starters, i have to devise a plan to show Konstantin exactly what he has. and, while doing so, i must set my standards for our relationship - what i want, what i will tolerate, and what is unquestionably unacceptable. i think he'll be pleasantly surprised with what will not be in the "unacceptable" bucket. i've seen D go unappreciated for far too many years, and though this romance has only been gestating for a few months, i'd rather the rules of the game be set now, rather than at the two-and-a-half-year "what do we do now" point.
so in control is what i'll soon be feeling. everything will be back to normal. he doesn't have to love me right away, just appreciate me for who i am. because, quite frankly, i'm pretty fucking awesome. a coworker of mine once told me that a relationship where a man loves the woman more than what she loves him are usually the best. i beg to differ. it doesn't matter as to who loves more, it's about trusting that the other person has your best interests at heart. it's about not having to poll your friends and family about what your partner said or did and what it could mean, because, once you trust your gut, you know you're in a real, honest to goodness, functioning relationship. i'll always love him more. but i know, once learns to be grateful for the wonderful things he has in me, he can love me the way i need him to love me. compared to my kind of love, it's not much, but my heart knows it's just right.
~D~ & *K*
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, November 9, 2009
a whole new world...
and a new phase begins. it's been months since we last caught up, but in those months, my whole entire existence has changed. K and i have found ourselves at peace. the war over turf is over. she and i seemed to have become one.
or so she'd like to belive. i'm still here. still ever-present in her heart. keeping her strong when she thinks she's going to falter. i'll always be here, but she's right. we're at peace.
ok, so she's still there. but she has to be. you see, we've mad some drastic changes in the past few months. i'll give you the cliff's notes version for now:
for one, the wrath of Konstantin's id on my heart has ended. i can't even explain how it happened. one day i decided i was going to leave my big city life where nothing what happening for me to move to a happy little town full of palm trees and warm nights. i dreamed of a new beginning. one where joblessness and homelessness was no longer an option. one where i could finally spread the wings i had developed in the cocoon of solitude. the more i spoke of this idea, the more he's ask for dates, timelines, budgets, when, where, how. i had no clue where his sudden interest my path of choice came from, but i'm not going to lie, i liked it.
i loved how he was concerned about my ability to strike out into the unknown and survive. he failed to realize that we (K and i) were born for this moment. but then, he did the unexpected. he asked me if i'd wanted to live with him. i was speechless, elated, and frightened all at once. was this man, the one who had somehow managed to cleft my heart in two just months before, the one who has never directly told me what he wants from me, the man who i thought was either going to be a bachelor forever or back with his ex, asking me to be a part of his quotidian life?
it didn't stop there. he helped move me there. he reserved my storage facility. he took it upon himself to find us a home. yes, a HOME. he became the man i'd always wanted him to be for me - the man i could see deep in his eyes. that's the man that took my breath away time and time again. a few days after i had arrived, i got an offer i couldn't refuse. my career was finally taking off. as a congratulatory gift, he gave me something that i cherish more than anything he's ever given me - his commitment.
Konstantin and i are now living blissfully in sin. it's an effortless bonds that makes me happy from the moment i awake till we're falling asleep in a haze of the remnants of a passionate encounter. i'm so happy. this is effortless for me. but it's hard to say the same for him. he's trying to adjust, but it's taking him much longer than i had thought. i'm being patient, though.
the thing is, i've fallen in love with him. but this isn't recent news. most of you know this has been the man i haven't been able to get enough of, and i finally realized why. i am madly in love with him. and i know that frightens him. he's not used to a woman like me (correction, like US). he is the first man that i've been able to trust wholeheartedly. his past doesn't frighten or intimidate me. it's just another part of him that makes me love him more. do i know about his sordid little secrets? of course. he's ashamed of some aspects of his past, but none of it bothers me. it all makes him the man he is now. the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand. his boyish charm makes my heart melt. there is an innocence about him, despite all the lusty deeds that defined the beginnings of our relationship.
i have finally reached a point where i can make myself happy. he's my cherry on top.
or so she'd like to belive. i'm still here. still ever-present in her heart. keeping her strong when she thinks she's going to falter. i'll always be here, but she's right. we're at peace.
ok, so she's still there. but she has to be. you see, we've mad some drastic changes in the past few months. i'll give you the cliff's notes version for now:
for one, the wrath of Konstantin's id on my heart has ended. i can't even explain how it happened. one day i decided i was going to leave my big city life where nothing what happening for me to move to a happy little town full of palm trees and warm nights. i dreamed of a new beginning. one where joblessness and homelessness was no longer an option. one where i could finally spread the wings i had developed in the cocoon of solitude. the more i spoke of this idea, the more he's ask for dates, timelines, budgets, when, where, how. i had no clue where his sudden interest my path of choice came from, but i'm not going to lie, i liked it.
i loved how he was concerned about my ability to strike out into the unknown and survive. he failed to realize that we (K and i) were born for this moment. but then, he did the unexpected. he asked me if i'd wanted to live with him. i was speechless, elated, and frightened all at once. was this man, the one who had somehow managed to cleft my heart in two just months before, the one who has never directly told me what he wants from me, the man who i thought was either going to be a bachelor forever or back with his ex, asking me to be a part of his quotidian life?
it didn't stop there. he helped move me there. he reserved my storage facility. he took it upon himself to find us a home. yes, a HOME. he became the man i'd always wanted him to be for me - the man i could see deep in his eyes. that's the man that took my breath away time and time again. a few days after i had arrived, i got an offer i couldn't refuse. my career was finally taking off. as a congratulatory gift, he gave me something that i cherish more than anything he's ever given me - his commitment.
Konstantin and i are now living blissfully in sin. it's an effortless bonds that makes me happy from the moment i awake till we're falling asleep in a haze of the remnants of a passionate encounter. i'm so happy. this is effortless for me. but it's hard to say the same for him. he's trying to adjust, but it's taking him much longer than i had thought. i'm being patient, though.
the thing is, i've fallen in love with him. but this isn't recent news. most of you know this has been the man i haven't been able to get enough of, and i finally realized why. i am madly in love with him. and i know that frightens him. he's not used to a woman like me (correction, like US). he is the first man that i've been able to trust wholeheartedly. his past doesn't frighten or intimidate me. it's just another part of him that makes me love him more. do i know about his sordid little secrets? of course. he's ashamed of some aspects of his past, but none of it bothers me. it all makes him the man he is now. the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand. his boyish charm makes my heart melt. there is an innocence about him, despite all the lusty deeds that defined the beginnings of our relationship.
i have finally reached a point where i can make myself happy. he's my cherry on top.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
All by myself... I want to be all by myself...
never have i ever been more content with my life than i am right now. most people attribute happiness to the occurrence of several amazing things back to back. however, for me, it's been a whole lot of nothing - just many nights spent deep in thought, regaining perspective on life.
as a result, the trifecta has been disbanded. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm through with my pair and a spare. the pair have been reduced to friends i occasionally share kind words with. the spare was easy to rid myself of - once you stop answering the phone, those kinds of boys tend to get the hint. now all i'm left with is the the most important thing in the world, the only thing that matters - me, myself and i.
simply put, i've come to the realization that i love being alone. i love sleeping in my bed alone. i love going out to eat alone. even watching movies alone makes me happy. i've been attempting to garner relationships with different people all while ignoring the longest lasting, most meaningful relationship of them all, the one i have with myself.
after the whole fiasco with konstantin, i found myself telling him the things i wanted to hear: "trust your gut" "take the time to find out who you are and make yourself happy" "don't be afraid of change."
so i'm trusting my gut. it's telling me that solitude is the best defense mechanism i have right now. when i'm alone, no one can hurt me. when i'm alone, i have the chance to build on myself. when it's just me, i find out all the little bits and pieces that make up the person that i am. and there is nothing more amazing than knowing who you really are. someone recently asked me "who are you?" i was astounded to be able to give that person a true, well thought out answer. and knowing who i am means i can decipher my needs and my wants.
loving myself is a beautiful thing. you should try it.
as a result, the trifecta has been disbanded. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm through with my pair and a spare. the pair have been reduced to friends i occasionally share kind words with. the spare was easy to rid myself of - once you stop answering the phone, those kinds of boys tend to get the hint. now all i'm left with is the the most important thing in the world, the only thing that matters - me, myself and i.
simply put, i've come to the realization that i love being alone. i love sleeping in my bed alone. i love going out to eat alone. even watching movies alone makes me happy. i've been attempting to garner relationships with different people all while ignoring the longest lasting, most meaningful relationship of them all, the one i have with myself.
after the whole fiasco with konstantin, i found myself telling him the things i wanted to hear: "trust your gut" "take the time to find out who you are and make yourself happy" "don't be afraid of change."
so i'm trusting my gut. it's telling me that solitude is the best defense mechanism i have right now. when i'm alone, no one can hurt me. when i'm alone, i have the chance to build on myself. when it's just me, i find out all the little bits and pieces that make up the person that i am. and there is nothing more amazing than knowing who you really are. someone recently asked me "who are you?" i was astounded to be able to give that person a true, well thought out answer. and knowing who i am means i can decipher my needs and my wants.
loving myself is a beautiful thing. you should try it.
Friday, March 6, 2009
the truth about cats and dogs
Oh Konstantin, dear Konstantin. he is by far the most confusing man i have ever come across. But what is more confounding is how i still understand him.
i flew down for a weekend of passion with him full of surprises to show my appreciation of him as a person. it was my personal goal to make his fantasies realities. i donned little outfits made of barely there material. we christened every corner of the house, then proceeded to letting the entire city into our den of lust from the eleventh floor window of a luxury suite. we fucked. we had sex. and then, we made love.
and that's when I saw Him. He was an animal. He convinced me to come out to play. as He entered me, i shook with pleasure. a pleasure i had never felt before. He made me tremble. the alpha male had come to dominate me. even if i tried to fight it, i couldn't. i was mesmerized. He had a hold on me that made my soul tremble in fear and ecstasy all at once. i felt my pussy clenching on to His manhood for dear life. i wanted him, all of Him, and didn't want to let Him go. that's a feeling i had never felt in my life.
Konstantin's id met with mine and i was helpless. there was no way K could protect me from this. it overpowered both of us. but it seems to have overpowered Konstantin too. the four of us connected in the most inexplicable way. we all wanted and cared for each other more than ever.
a few weeks had passed and i was planning our next rendezvous. his birthday was around the corner and i wanted to make it special. the more i asked for details and confirmations, the more he pulled away from me. i knew he didn't want me to come, but he wouldn't admit it to me. he pulled every excuse he could, from the full house story to low funds to reallocated funds to a busy birthday week. even going so far as to blasphemously claim to give up sex for lent (which, for the record he had no intention of doing. i guess it was just giving up sex with ME).
i was dumbfounded for a moment. he went from telling me how amazing i was, toasting to no more long drives, plane rides, and hotel rooms, admitting to me how i'm different from every other woman he's dealt with to telling me he needed a break from me.
a break from me? we live 500 miles apart. but then i realized something. as much as we may want each other, he's not in the right frame of mind to give me his all. and i can't be mad at that. i've told him to i don't want to rush him into anything, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to commit to a long distance relationship either. if he is to be mine, and i am to be his, then it will be. but i can't force it. hoping and wishing and waiting won't make it happen. i care for him deeply. though i want his happiness, i will not sacrifice my own. he needs this. he needs to take his id head on. hopefully, the battle doesn't kill everything i love about him.
my first reaction was to take control of us again. take long trips where the main focus is to fuck to my heart's content. i wanted to go on a rampage because He hurt me too. He sucked me into His spell, convinced me that it was safe for us to enter His lair, then He left us out to dry. there was no way i was going to let any man do that to us, especially not this one. i began to plot a week full of taking my frustrations out on unsuspecting prey. i wanted to rip every one of them to shreds for the tears He pulled out of us. yes, US. but D was right. replacing him isn't going to fix the problem. he can't be replaced. neither can the other side of him. i calmly retreated to my place between the world and her heart and waited. if D and i could find a balance, i'm sure the two of them can. i pray the two of them can for her heart's sake.
this is our reality...
~D~ & *K*
i flew down for a weekend of passion with him full of surprises to show my appreciation of him as a person. it was my personal goal to make his fantasies realities. i donned little outfits made of barely there material. we christened every corner of the house, then proceeded to letting the entire city into our den of lust from the eleventh floor window of a luxury suite. we fucked. we had sex. and then, we made love.
and that's when I saw Him. He was an animal. He convinced me to come out to play. as He entered me, i shook with pleasure. a pleasure i had never felt before. He made me tremble. the alpha male had come to dominate me. even if i tried to fight it, i couldn't. i was mesmerized. He had a hold on me that made my soul tremble in fear and ecstasy all at once. i felt my pussy clenching on to His manhood for dear life. i wanted him, all of Him, and didn't want to let Him go. that's a feeling i had never felt in my life.
Konstantin's id met with mine and i was helpless. there was no way K could protect me from this. it overpowered both of us. but it seems to have overpowered Konstantin too. the four of us connected in the most inexplicable way. we all wanted and cared for each other more than ever.
a few weeks had passed and i was planning our next rendezvous. his birthday was around the corner and i wanted to make it special. the more i asked for details and confirmations, the more he pulled away from me. i knew he didn't want me to come, but he wouldn't admit it to me. he pulled every excuse he could, from the full house story to low funds to reallocated funds to a busy birthday week. even going so far as to blasphemously claim to give up sex for lent (which, for the record he had no intention of doing. i guess it was just giving up sex with ME).
i was dumbfounded for a moment. he went from telling me how amazing i was, toasting to no more long drives, plane rides, and hotel rooms, admitting to me how i'm different from every other woman he's dealt with to telling me he needed a break from me.
a break from me? we live 500 miles apart. but then i realized something. as much as we may want each other, he's not in the right frame of mind to give me his all. and i can't be mad at that. i've told him to i don't want to rush him into anything, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to commit to a long distance relationship either. if he is to be mine, and i am to be his, then it will be. but i can't force it. hoping and wishing and waiting won't make it happen. i care for him deeply. though i want his happiness, i will not sacrifice my own. he needs this. he needs to take his id head on. hopefully, the battle doesn't kill everything i love about him.
my first reaction was to take control of us again. take long trips where the main focus is to fuck to my heart's content. i wanted to go on a rampage because He hurt me too. He sucked me into His spell, convinced me that it was safe for us to enter His lair, then He left us out to dry. there was no way i was going to let any man do that to us, especially not this one. i began to plot a week full of taking my frustrations out on unsuspecting prey. i wanted to rip every one of them to shreds for the tears He pulled out of us. yes, US. but D was right. replacing him isn't going to fix the problem. he can't be replaced. neither can the other side of him. i calmly retreated to my place between the world and her heart and waited. if D and i could find a balance, i'm sure the two of them can. i pray the two of them can for her heart's sake.
this is our reality...
~D~ & *K*
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
a new perspective
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
yeah, yeah. i know i haven't said anything in a long time, but i haven't had much to say... until now.
the new year has brought a new perspective. i was introduced to the concept of a pair and a spare. as the theory states, a single gal should always have three guys in her dating rotation. with one, she goes on adventures with - hiking, kayaking, camping, rock climbing, traveling, etc. with another, she shares cultural experiences - plays, museums, 5-star restaurants and what not. the third serves as a pinch hitter, especially on those late nights, if you know what i'm saying. clearly, the first two would be her pair and the final, her spare. the three may be interchanged: pairs can become a spare and vice versa. one could be dropped and replaced with someone new. but, until she meets the one who appeals to her adventurous side and her intellect, as well as incites her lustful desires, she is to remain single with her three man rotation.
this got me thinking. in my dating repertoire, who fits where? let's begin with my pair, shall we?
Anatolii hails from the pj's. Somewhat rough and rugged, he enjoys, running, hiking, beer and sports. he's quite the movie buff and very giving. he's a handsome, doting father to a little girl who is a character to say the least.
but (of course you expect the "buts" coming from me), he's needy. he PMSs like a bitch. he throws 3 year old tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. his kisses make my stomach churn and his touches are passionless. needless to say, the lust factor is non-existent. did i mention he can't dance? oh. and his kid is nightmare. she has no manners and is allowed to run a muck whenever she wants to. oh, the joys of dealing with a weekend father...
the second of the pair i guess could be considered Fillipp. he enjoys the finer things in life: amazing restaurants, great wine, so on and so forth. he spoils me without asking him for anything. he goes above and beyond to make me smile. total sweet heart.
but he drinks too much. he parties too hard. he forgets who he is. romance and seduction is not a part of his vocabulary. when it comes to that department, he's actually more of a child than anything else. never having had a serious relationship, he doesn't understand what it's like. D feels the need to protect him from himself, like Wendy protects her brothers and the Lost Boys.
and now, on to my spare. a lovely bloke named Andrei, he's a war vet. a brave soul. handsome as can be. green eyes, tan skin, beautiful smile. the first time he and I had a romp in the sheets, we had a blast. very casual, very relaxed. completely and totally NSA.
and though he was good and bed, he is by far not the best. scheduling is always an issue, and with my lack of effort for just "good" it never seems to work out. he has two kids, who he sees on the weekends. he's had a vasectomy, so there goes D's dream of having a family. and though the small talk is ok, it's not quite the deep conversations D and i love to have. oh, and did she mention the PTSD from war? Yeah, that throws a wrench in the mix too.
so let me give you an example of what i would like. Remember Konstantin and "the fence"? Well, the more i straddled that fence, the more i felt the deep urge to straddle him (we lust for him, we can't help it. thinking about it makes my lady parts tingle). he just does something to me... yes, we are still free to do as we please. the only problem is that he lacks persepctive. he can't separate what his (dick) head wants from what his heart desires. it's hard for him to accept things "as is". however, K and i are both happy with him. he understands both of our needs, wants and deep desires and is incredible at bringing them into fruition (often times, all at once and multiple times a day). he gives us that temporary BFE, an oasis of passion, lust, deep connection and comfort. i crave him. i can admit that. and though he may not openly do the same, he craves me just as much. but he also is still battling with that inner need for "playboy" status. and i don't mind. i don't pressure him, since i am not his and he is not mine. with him, i'm patient and kind. i don't envy his play things (because who envies mediocrity?), i don't boast about mine, nor i let my pride get the best of me. when it comes to our conversations, i'm not rude, nor am i self-seeking. i don't anger easily anymore. and i have no desire to bring up his wrongs (we want him to be a better man, not a broken one). i'm not afraid to be 100% truthful with him. though sometimes, he isn't as honest with me, i understand it's because he wants to protect me. i wish he'd realize that he has my trust (more than anyone else has gotten out of us, that's for sure). i have high hopes for him becoming the man he's always wanted to be. and i will constantly persevere to be there for him in the best of my ability in whatever capacity he feels comfortable with.
why i'm so flexible and understanding with him, i don't know.
but, i sure do love seeing how flexible we can get... if you know what i mean.
~D~ & *K*
yeah, yeah. i know i haven't said anything in a long time, but i haven't had much to say... until now.
the new year has brought a new perspective. i was introduced to the concept of a pair and a spare. as the theory states, a single gal should always have three guys in her dating rotation. with one, she goes on adventures with - hiking, kayaking, camping, rock climbing, traveling, etc. with another, she shares cultural experiences - plays, museums, 5-star restaurants and what not. the third serves as a pinch hitter, especially on those late nights, if you know what i'm saying. clearly, the first two would be her pair and the final, her spare. the three may be interchanged: pairs can become a spare and vice versa. one could be dropped and replaced with someone new. but, until she meets the one who appeals to her adventurous side and her intellect, as well as incites her lustful desires, she is to remain single with her three man rotation.
this got me thinking. in my dating repertoire, who fits where? let's begin with my pair, shall we?
Anatolii hails from the pj's. Somewhat rough and rugged, he enjoys, running, hiking, beer and sports. he's quite the movie buff and very giving. he's a handsome, doting father to a little girl who is a character to say the least.
but (of course you expect the "buts" coming from me), he's needy. he PMSs like a bitch. he throws 3 year old tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. his kisses make my stomach churn and his touches are passionless. needless to say, the lust factor is non-existent. did i mention he can't dance? oh. and his kid is nightmare. she has no manners and is allowed to run a muck whenever she wants to. oh, the joys of dealing with a weekend father...
the second of the pair i guess could be considered Fillipp. he enjoys the finer things in life: amazing restaurants, great wine, so on and so forth. he spoils me without asking him for anything. he goes above and beyond to make me smile. total sweet heart.
but he drinks too much. he parties too hard. he forgets who he is. romance and seduction is not a part of his vocabulary. when it comes to that department, he's actually more of a child than anything else. never having had a serious relationship, he doesn't understand what it's like. D feels the need to protect him from himself, like Wendy protects her brothers and the Lost Boys.
and now, on to my spare. a lovely bloke named Andrei, he's a war vet. a brave soul. handsome as can be. green eyes, tan skin, beautiful smile. the first time he and I had a romp in the sheets, we had a blast. very casual, very relaxed. completely and totally NSA.
and though he was good and bed, he is by far not the best. scheduling is always an issue, and with my lack of effort for just "good" it never seems to work out. he has two kids, who he sees on the weekends. he's had a vasectomy, so there goes D's dream of having a family. and though the small talk is ok, it's not quite the deep conversations D and i love to have. oh, and did she mention the PTSD from war? Yeah, that throws a wrench in the mix too.
so let me give you an example of what i would like. Remember Konstantin and "the fence"? Well, the more i straddled that fence, the more i felt the deep urge to straddle him (we lust for him, we can't help it. thinking about it makes my lady parts tingle). he just does something to me... yes, we are still free to do as we please. the only problem is that he lacks persepctive. he can't separate what his (dick) head wants from what his heart desires. it's hard for him to accept things "as is". however, K and i are both happy with him. he understands both of our needs, wants and deep desires and is incredible at bringing them into fruition (often times, all at once and multiple times a day). he gives us that temporary BFE, an oasis of passion, lust, deep connection and comfort. i crave him. i can admit that. and though he may not openly do the same, he craves me just as much. but he also is still battling with that inner need for "playboy" status. and i don't mind. i don't pressure him, since i am not his and he is not mine. with him, i'm patient and kind. i don't envy his play things (because who envies mediocrity?), i don't boast about mine, nor i let my pride get the best of me. when it comes to our conversations, i'm not rude, nor am i self-seeking. i don't anger easily anymore. and i have no desire to bring up his wrongs (we want him to be a better man, not a broken one). i'm not afraid to be 100% truthful with him. though sometimes, he isn't as honest with me, i understand it's because he wants to protect me. i wish he'd realize that he has my trust (more than anyone else has gotten out of us, that's for sure). i have high hopes for him becoming the man he's always wanted to be. and i will constantly persevere to be there for him in the best of my ability in whatever capacity he feels comfortable with.
why i'm so flexible and understanding with him, i don't know.
but, i sure do love seeing how flexible we can get... if you know what i mean.
~D~ & *K*
Monday, September 8, 2008
happy birthday to me...
yesterday, i celebrated my birthday and i realized, i'm not where i need to be at this stage of my life. this birthday has marked a new beginning in my life and now i enter the next phase of B.I.T.C.H. training - the "T" phase.
now, "B.I.T.C.H." stands for "Being In Total Control of Herself" - a training program set forth by my mentor, the professional queen b. thus far i've achieved my "B" and my "I"... i feel like this is the year that i earn my "T." now, let's discus the significance of "T." "T" is "total." by definition, "total" means "involving all aspects, elements, participants, resources; all-out." this is an all-inclusive process where the main focus is on all the elements that, when combined, make me... well... ME.
i can't enter any phase without a clearly defined goals and a plan to achieve them. and i am a firm believer that if you don't committ your goals to a physical form (such as a blog that you can look at everyday) you are less likely to hold yourself accountable for them. so here, with you as my witness, i am committing myself to the following:
now, "B.I.T.C.H." stands for "Being In Total Control of Herself" - a training program set forth by my mentor, the professional queen b. thus far i've achieved my "B" and my "I"... i feel like this is the year that i earn my "T." now, let's discus the significance of "T." "T" is "total." by definition, "total" means "involving all aspects, elements, participants, resources; all-out." this is an all-inclusive process where the main focus is on all the elements that, when combined, make me... well... ME.
i can't enter any phase without a clearly defined goals and a plan to achieve them. and i am a firm believer that if you don't committ your goals to a physical form (such as a blog that you can look at everyday) you are less likely to hold yourself accountable for them. so here, with you as my witness, i am committing myself to the following:
- excelling in my studies
- improving my overall physical health
- deepening my spirituality
through these goals, i plan on becoming the woman i know i can be. complete, self sufficient, and fabulous.
now, to achieve these goals, i must go into a hermit-like state. my days are now jam packed to keep my far from distractions. people warn me of burning out, but i don't care. it's what i need to do.
phrase for the year: "it's cool, i got it..."
Monday, August 11, 2008
jealousy: the mental cancer
there's this little beast that lives inside me and i can't shake it. it's green, it's ugly, and it gets me in mass amounts of trouble. its name is "envy."
i've come to the realization that am a true virgo. i cannot stand competition from other females in any way, shape, or form. particularly when it comes to the opposite sex. when i begin dealing with a man, i mark him as my territory. i can't help it, i just do it. it doesn't matter how innocent the relationship is, either.
exhibit a: the little one and the den mother
at a party, i ran into an adorable young man (hereinafter known as Aleksei) while talking to a guy that i went to high school with (a mutual friend). Aleksei was beyond plastered when he decided to take my drink out of my hand, and with a wave of his finger announced "a lady should never be drunk!" he chugged my drink, handed me the empty vessel and took me out on the dance floor. from that moment on i knew i loved him, but not in the "when a man loves a woman" sense.
see, the two gentlemen were both attempting to bring an organization to their campus - something that i had done a few years prior. seeing them incited a need to protect and nurture. i was like wendy amongst the lost boys and i loved it. but not for long.
Aleksei invited me to a shindig a few days later. i brought along a good friend of mine - we shall call her Aniya. Aniya was involved in an on-again-off-again relationship with the father of her child. a volatile situation that i knew was not going to result in a healthy relationship for my little Aleksei. though i have nothing but love for Aniya, i couldn't allow Aleksei to get his heart mangled by a girl who didn't even know what she wanted out of a relationship.
the more they hung out, the more my blood boiled. if you can, attempt to see things from my perspective: i, being the den mother, have to watch my fragile little one jump head first into a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be with him in the long run, putting his emotions at risk. yes, people, i know it's not my responsibility to protect him, but that's just how i am.
Aniya and Aleksei didn't last very long, as expected. but for the record, i had nothing to do with it. i distanced myself from both parties and let it work itself out.
exhibit b: innocent dalliance with the mid western wooer
Iosef, as we shall call him, was the definition of perfection. having pledged his allegiance to an organization very similar to mine, he oozed political awareness, cultural pride, and swag like no other. this ex-con turned scholar's vocabulary was immense. his prose flowed like the nile river which in turn made my moisture flow as well, if you know what i mean (*wink*). intelligence is just so sexy. that, mixed with a bad boy past made him irresistible. the only problems were that he was: a) too far away and b) a big flirt. now, we both recognized that if we were in the same town, we'd be a force to be reckoned with. however, since this was not the case, we left it to passionate discussions and detailed accounts of what could be.
well, after a while i noticed that i was initiating conversation far too often. and other females seemed to be reaching him fairly easily, which infuriated me. i can honestly say, i despise competition. a simple "hey sweetie, i loved talking to you last night" from another woman would make me livid. yes, i realize that he is not mine, therefore i have no right to mark my territory, but then again, do public fire hydrants belong to any particular dog? no, but they pee on them nonetheless. stupid i know, but again, that is how i am.
exhibit c: straddling the fence with the turbid twin
when it comes to the opposite sex, i realize that there is a fine line between lovers and friends. can that line be constantly crossed before emotions come into play? though i wanted to have a part time lover and a full time friend, things got interesting between a certain gentleman and me.
Konstantin and i had known each other for three years before anything transpired between us. and again, it all stemmed from his ability to entice me intellectually (notice a trend yet?). we shared poetry and music and he seemed to understand the deepest levels of my being. if his voice could melt the panties off me, imagine what the rest of him could do in person.
Konstantin was an amazing lover and a deep individual, but he lacked a firm standing in his own desires. he never knew what he wanted. one day, he wanted to be back with his ex. the next he wanted to be a playboy. we clearly had feelings for each other, but because of circumstances we put them on the back burner. then SHE popped up.
though we were both free to do as we pleased, we each had certain people we'd rather the other not experiment with. the one person i really didn't want him dealing with was Varvara. i had jokingly told him that she seemed down and out and he should help her raise her self esteem by giving her a good romp in the sack. why he decided to take my joke seriously, i have no idea. but what i really don't understand is why he decided to do it hours after he'd engulfed himself in my scent. i secretly thought to myself, "i hope she likes the way i taste."
ok, ok, so i know, i guess i kind of set myself up for that one. how could i get mad at him when i told him to do it in the first place, joking or not? but having to watch the flirtatious interchange between the two of them AFTER knowing the truth made my stomach churn. let's just say those who have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the two of us can honestly say that i'm of higher caliber. the green in me reminds me of that regularly.
we attempted to retreat back to the "friend zone" after we had realized that emotions had gotten the best of us. but neither of us really enjoyed listening to the escapades of the other. the flirtation slowed down as we stepped into a grey area i like to call "the fence." i miss what we were terribly.
so now that we've seen how i've reacted in these situations, i'd like to introduce K's remedy: "quick-to-cut-a-dude-off" syndrome. for some reason, she doesn't get jealous. she walks away.
(~D~)
exactly, because as our mentor has told us, jealousy is the manifestation of insecurity within oneself. and the goal here is total security. we no longer have time for this tomfoolery. we're on the road to becoming the H.B.I.C. and that requires nothing but confidence, a firm sense of self, proper prioritization (putting yourself first, of course), and a fully functioning bullshit radar. jealousy only fucks with the calibration.
why be jealous of these broads anyway? if these guys can't see how amazing you are and aren't willing to jump through hoops to be with you, then what do they matter? they could be fantastic play things, but you need to leave it at that. have they done anything to earn your thoughts? have they done anything even remotely close to deserve the energy required to be jealous? and, for the record, a good dick down isn't enough, darling.
this situation is typical to our virgoan existence. it is a natural weeding out process, separating the men from the boys. there is no need to fret. appreciate them for what they're worth, but understand that you run this shit. and the one who is worth your energy will never cease to work for it.
your main concern should be in protecting and preserving yourself. don't worry about those around you because all you're doing is adding unessecary weight on your shoulders. i'm not saying ignore everyone and everything. but reasses the value you have given yourself. is protecting the emotions of someone else worth getting your knickers in a twist for? probably not.
i think your ass needs to pay closer attention in training class, D...
(*K*)
i've come to the realization that am a true virgo. i cannot stand competition from other females in any way, shape, or form. particularly when it comes to the opposite sex. when i begin dealing with a man, i mark him as my territory. i can't help it, i just do it. it doesn't matter how innocent the relationship is, either.
exhibit a: the little one and the den mother
at a party, i ran into an adorable young man (hereinafter known as Aleksei) while talking to a guy that i went to high school with (a mutual friend). Aleksei was beyond plastered when he decided to take my drink out of my hand, and with a wave of his finger announced "a lady should never be drunk!" he chugged my drink, handed me the empty vessel and took me out on the dance floor. from that moment on i knew i loved him, but not in the "when a man loves a woman" sense.
see, the two gentlemen were both attempting to bring an organization to their campus - something that i had done a few years prior. seeing them incited a need to protect and nurture. i was like wendy amongst the lost boys and i loved it. but not for long.
Aleksei invited me to a shindig a few days later. i brought along a good friend of mine - we shall call her Aniya. Aniya was involved in an on-again-off-again relationship with the father of her child. a volatile situation that i knew was not going to result in a healthy relationship for my little Aleksei. though i have nothing but love for Aniya, i couldn't allow Aleksei to get his heart mangled by a girl who didn't even know what she wanted out of a relationship.
the more they hung out, the more my blood boiled. if you can, attempt to see things from my perspective: i, being the den mother, have to watch my fragile little one jump head first into a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be with him in the long run, putting his emotions at risk. yes, people, i know it's not my responsibility to protect him, but that's just how i am.
Aniya and Aleksei didn't last very long, as expected. but for the record, i had nothing to do with it. i distanced myself from both parties and let it work itself out.
exhibit b: innocent dalliance with the mid western wooer
Iosef, as we shall call him, was the definition of perfection. having pledged his allegiance to an organization very similar to mine, he oozed political awareness, cultural pride, and swag like no other. this ex-con turned scholar's vocabulary was immense. his prose flowed like the nile river which in turn made my moisture flow as well, if you know what i mean (*wink*). intelligence is just so sexy. that, mixed with a bad boy past made him irresistible. the only problems were that he was: a) too far away and b) a big flirt. now, we both recognized that if we were in the same town, we'd be a force to be reckoned with. however, since this was not the case, we left it to passionate discussions and detailed accounts of what could be.
well, after a while i noticed that i was initiating conversation far too often. and other females seemed to be reaching him fairly easily, which infuriated me. i can honestly say, i despise competition. a simple "hey sweetie, i loved talking to you last night" from another woman would make me livid. yes, i realize that he is not mine, therefore i have no right to mark my territory, but then again, do public fire hydrants belong to any particular dog? no, but they pee on them nonetheless. stupid i know, but again, that is how i am.
exhibit c: straddling the fence with the turbid twin
when it comes to the opposite sex, i realize that there is a fine line between lovers and friends. can that line be constantly crossed before emotions come into play? though i wanted to have a part time lover and a full time friend, things got interesting between a certain gentleman and me.
Konstantin and i had known each other for three years before anything transpired between us. and again, it all stemmed from his ability to entice me intellectually (notice a trend yet?). we shared poetry and music and he seemed to understand the deepest levels of my being. if his voice could melt the panties off me, imagine what the rest of him could do in person.
Konstantin was an amazing lover and a deep individual, but he lacked a firm standing in his own desires. he never knew what he wanted. one day, he wanted to be back with his ex. the next he wanted to be a playboy. we clearly had feelings for each other, but because of circumstances we put them on the back burner. then SHE popped up.
though we were both free to do as we pleased, we each had certain people we'd rather the other not experiment with. the one person i really didn't want him dealing with was Varvara. i had jokingly told him that she seemed down and out and he should help her raise her self esteem by giving her a good romp in the sack. why he decided to take my joke seriously, i have no idea. but what i really don't understand is why he decided to do it hours after he'd engulfed himself in my scent. i secretly thought to myself, "i hope she likes the way i taste."
ok, ok, so i know, i guess i kind of set myself up for that one. how could i get mad at him when i told him to do it in the first place, joking or not? but having to watch the flirtatious interchange between the two of them AFTER knowing the truth made my stomach churn. let's just say those who have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the two of us can honestly say that i'm of higher caliber. the green in me reminds me of that regularly.
we attempted to retreat back to the "friend zone" after we had realized that emotions had gotten the best of us. but neither of us really enjoyed listening to the escapades of the other. the flirtation slowed down as we stepped into a grey area i like to call "the fence." i miss what we were terribly.
so now that we've seen how i've reacted in these situations, i'd like to introduce K's remedy: "quick-to-cut-a-dude-off" syndrome. for some reason, she doesn't get jealous. she walks away.
(~D~)
exactly, because as our mentor has told us, jealousy is the manifestation of insecurity within oneself. and the goal here is total security. we no longer have time for this tomfoolery. we're on the road to becoming the H.B.I.C. and that requires nothing but confidence, a firm sense of self, proper prioritization (putting yourself first, of course), and a fully functioning bullshit radar. jealousy only fucks with the calibration.
why be jealous of these broads anyway? if these guys can't see how amazing you are and aren't willing to jump through hoops to be with you, then what do they matter? they could be fantastic play things, but you need to leave it at that. have they done anything to earn your thoughts? have they done anything even remotely close to deserve the energy required to be jealous? and, for the record, a good dick down isn't enough, darling.
this situation is typical to our virgoan existence. it is a natural weeding out process, separating the men from the boys. there is no need to fret. appreciate them for what they're worth, but understand that you run this shit. and the one who is worth your energy will never cease to work for it.
your main concern should be in protecting and preserving yourself. don't worry about those around you because all you're doing is adding unessecary weight on your shoulders. i'm not saying ignore everyone and everything. but reasses the value you have given yourself. is protecting the emotions of someone else worth getting your knickers in a twist for? probably not.
i think your ass needs to pay closer attention in training class, D...
(*K*)
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