the fall of an empire

after nearly a year an a half, Konstantin left me under the pretense that he does not feel the way i feel for him. here is an overview of how the past few days have gone:

day 1 - after he drove away from our home, i cried incessantly. my heart physically hurt. i was broken. i wanted to drink and smoke everything in sight. i was headed down a very familiar destructive path, simply because i knew it would make the pain go away. i stayed up until about 10am in the morning, unable to sleep. it was over and my will to move on was gone with him.

after a few stern talking-to's by my friends, my family, and even his mother, the pain began to ease. even his mother told me "i told you to run a long time ago. as a woman, you can only take so much. you're a wonderful woman, and he's had three ambitious, strong-willed women in his life and he's let them all go. there is something in him that he needs to fix. maybe he's not strong enough to have a strong woman like you guys. maybe he needs a weak one. but know that everything will be fine. you'll go forward and do great things. he'll probably regret leaving you, just like his father regrets not having me. but you'll be okay. just be strong and love yourself."

i had kind of forgotten how to do that while i was spending all my love on him. yes, i had been taking care of myself - eating right, going to the gym, etc. but i had forgotten that i was priority number one in my life. not him.

my older brother made me promise him not to drink (hard liquor, i was only allowed three glasses of wine per day) or smoke, so that i don't undo the 65 pound progress i've made. he made me promise to stay on track and tune into my inner diva, even if i had to fake it until i felt it was real.

i took my ass to the most amazing women's fitness studio and worked out for hours. on the spinning bike, i cried, not because it was hard, but because i needed to let all of those emotions out. my tears mixed with the sweat rolled down my face, and i pushed myself harder. i pedaled faster. in my head, i was running away from all the hurt. three hours later, i felt good.

i came back to our home and didn't feel uncomfortable. i was home. whether he was here or not. this is home. i walked through the house and was able to smile.

day 2 - i woke up and felt like i had the best sleep in the world. got dolled up, went to work, and started to realize a few things.

for starters, i'm an amazing woman. i have so much to give, and i deserve so much. yes, i love Konstantin, and i always will, but i don't like who is is now. at this stage in his life he doesn't deserve me. he isn't ready to be the man i need. and he isn't ready to love me the way i deserve to be loved. i am not defined by this or any relationship. if he came back asking for another chance, would i give it to him? abso-fucking-lutely. but only if he's actually ready to stop being just my boyfriend and start progressing towards a future. if he doesn't come back, will i be heartbroken? abso-fucking-lutely not. why? because i will have what i want and what i deserve, and i'm not settling for less. i had actually allowed myself to believe that i didn't one day want to get married and have children, all because he didn't know if he wanted that. are you fucking kidding me? never again.

that day, i kept my promise to my brother. i ate healthy (because miraculously my appetite came back), i only had one class of wine, and i had an wonderful evening with my best friend. i went to sleep with a huge smile on my face because i didn't cry. i got choked up a bit when i pulled his towel off the door that smelled like him, and i got a little misty eyed at the airport when i saw the TSA agents walking around the airport (that's his profession). but i held it together.

today - day 3 - i'm up and i'm still feeling good. i now know that i am not to blame for this. he doesn't feel for me the way i feel for him (yes, present tense, because i still love him). so what? could it be that he's intimidated by my ambition? maybe. could it be that he feels insecure about the fact that i'm 35 pounds away from being 100 pounds lighter than when he first met me? am i getting so sexy that he fears i'm going to leave him? could be. but then again, he beat me to the punch, now didn't he? whatever the reason, i'm okay with it. it's not going to stop me from doing what i want to do with my life. it's not going to stop me from feeling good about myself and treating myself well. it's just not going to stop me.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a world to take over.

~D~

check your bags at the door...

when i get into a relationship, i try my damnedest to leave the past where it belongs - behind me. but it's impossible. as you live, you experience things that inevitably stick with you. these things color the way you see the world. they cause you to have a knee-jerk reaction when confronted with a similar situation. we can't help it. we just have to work around it, right?

last night, i helped Konstantin go through some boxes to look for some documents he needed. in doing so, i came across the "x-files". you know, the box people normally have in the back of their closet with letters, CDs, pictures, etc. it wasn't so much that Konstantin had this box. i personally don't have one, but that's because i don't hold on to physical reminders of my past. when the relationship ends, the souvenirs get tossed with the next day's trash. it is what it is: over. but i totally understand that his past with his ex was a long and turbulent one. i mean, seven years can't be forgotten over night. the thing is what saddens me is that he kept EVERYTHING. receipts, with notes on what a great time they had. plane tickets. movie tickets. little notes left in pockets. every moment, no matter how small or insignificant, was saved. i'm not sad because he has it, nor am i upset that it's found it's way into my house. i'm sad because i know what COULD be. i know he is fully capable of buying me flowers "just because". i know he has it in him to love me to the point that he would want to get down on one knee and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. i know he has it in him to commit to me and think about a future with me. i just wonder how deep in him that is. how many protective layers is it buried under? how much does he need to go through before that part of him comes back out?

when you put yourself out there, and leave all of your cards on the table, you run the risk of getting burned. in his case, he was burned badly. i get that. i've been burned too. it is so hard to be in a relationship with a good person when you've been with a bad one for so long. but know this - it's hard to be with a good person who has been with a bad person too. they can be jaded. sometimes they're scared. and those knee-jerk reactions to normal every day arguments that even people in good relationships have can send them spiraling back into the black hole they came from. i can't heal all of his wounds. he has to do that for himself. but what i can do is be myself - the woman who is worth all the cards he has and who won't play him for a fool.

fuck the flowers and the concert tickets and the jewelry boxes. if he gave me his heart, that would be the only gift i'd ever need. and i swear on everything that is sacred to me, i'd never break it.

~D~

daddy's little girl

i realized last night something quite profound. every man i've ever loved has, at some point, left me, beginning with the man who started it all - my father.

at five years old, my father left our home to be stationed elsewhere with no promise of us following suit any time soon. he'd come home and lavish me with gifts only to leave me a few days later. i blamed myself for every time he walked out the door. maybe i didn't shine his boots the right way. maybe i didn't make his french toast just right. i tried my hardest to make him stay, but he never did. in stead, he replaced me with his new wife's daughter. and when he divorced her, he found another woman to care for and yet another girl to walk down the aisle. never once did he look back. not while he was happily in a relationship, anyway.

from then on, i've fought tooth and nail to keep the man i loved from leaving me. and here we are. Konstantin and i forging a relationship in this mess. i feel terrible admitting this, but i'm petrified of losing him because for once in my life i feel like i love someone who is truly worth what i bring to the table. what hurts even more is having to keep my feelings to myself every day trying to forget the fear that is tearing me to shreds inside.

i will myself to believe that everything is just peachy and that i have nothing to be afraid of, but when you've had a track record like mine, your will would have a snowball's chance in hell, too.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just replaceable. maybe i'm just a dime a dozen. maybe some thick, buxom exotic woman with a barely-there top and painted on pants will just swoop right in and take my place. i've grown accustomed to being traded out for someone else. the newer, flashier model with all the bells and whistles. i just pray that this time is different. i just want to be good enough just once in my life.

she's been good enough all along. they just didn't know how to appreciate her. i just hope Konstantin's different, too.

my little secret(s)...

last night Konstantin and i went to an eye-opening event. we saw Frank Warren speak about his compelling artistic project known as PostSecret. he has spent the past 5 years collecting people's secrets: the good, the bad and the ugly. when i left the auditorium, all the words i could conjure up to express the well of emotions anxious to burst out of me were left there in the seat i was in, staring blankly at the empty stage, trying to sift through all the secrets floating in the air - secrets that were uttered, whispered across seats, and even written on postcards left on random chairs on the way out.

i cried myself to sleep last night. i realized that we all have secrets. some, we find humorous and embarrassing. others, we want to take to the grave. but bottom line, we're not alone with our secrets. someone else in this world shares it with you and doesn't know what to do with it either. last night, i realized i didn't want to die not having shared who i am with someone... anyone... so i'm sharing my secrets with you. i'll share one a day until i'm left with none. by the end of it all, i'll be emotionally naked before the world. i don't think there's anything more liberating.

secret # 1: i talk to myself. and myself answers. i replay conversations i've had throughout the day and think about what i should have said instead of what first popped into my head. i ridicule myself for having sounded stupid. i practice what i'm going to say in a fight, only to throw it all out the window and settle for what is logical and appeasing rather than what would really hurt the other person. strange, i know, but it's what i do.

~D~

heart, don't fail me now...

a few nights ago, i was so angry that i promised you all a fiery piece of work. one like nothing i've ever written in my life, because what was burning deep within my chest was a feeling i knew all too well and i didn't want to feel again. but the anger turned into hurt, which led to tears and a void. i realized that every brick in my wall protecting my heart was shattered and there i was...

vul·ner·a·ble - adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

i didn't get it. i thought for once we were safe. i thought that for once we weren't going to get hurt. this is why i hate falling in love.

i read once that no matter how perfectly paired a couple is, one person inevitably loves the other one more. and here i am, stuck being the one who pines over the other person helplessly as he struggles to figure out what exactly he feels for me. it isn't love, but it's something. but is that something enough? i wholeheartedly want to believe so. i want to think that whatever is bubbling inside him can one day turn into what i feel. but those hopes are short-lived. in short, he could never, ever love me in his entire existence as much as i love him at this very moment.

that isn't to say that he will never love me. on the contrary - loving me is actually quite simple. many men have loved me. many still do. i can't help that fact. however, their love is far different from mine. when i love, it radiates from the depths of my very being. my heart is so eager to open itself to all the joys and pains that are associated with love that, when we feel an apt suitor has presented himself, it would do anything to feel that rush of emotion that sends it palpitating so forcefully that at times i wonder how audible the pounding is.

so bottom line, Konstantin has us in a place that we hate being - out of control. a few nights ago, i tried to force D to stop crying, but she couldn't. hell, even i had to shed a few tears myself. but her sobs were gut wrenching. we feared he didn't want us anymore. i mean, it isn't an impossibility to think the same thing when you leave everything you've ever known to give a relationship with someone a good ol' college try, and he quite frankly tells you he doesn't love you. i was so tempted to force D to pack up everything and go back up north, where the men are a dime a dozen and they all want a crack at us. but, when weighing the two options, even i couldn't bear to be apart from him. he truly is what makes us happy. but as of late, he isn't who we fell in love with. he's not as affectionate or as considerate. the romance has faded. he's far too comfortable in his current position. one thing i cannot tolerate is being taken for granted. D has spent far too much time in relationships where she's been looked over and cast to the side for frivolities. never again. it is time we regained control.

in a relationship, when a man is in control, he gives in to his selfish, self-indulgent desires, leaving his partner to the wayside. but when a woman is in control she rules as a benevolent dictator, keeping the couple's interests at heart. i think it's high time i take back our throne. for starters, i have to devise a plan to show Konstantin exactly what he has. and, while doing so, i must set my standards for our relationship - what i want, what i will tolerate, and what is unquestionably unacceptable. i think he'll be pleasantly surprised with what will not be in the "unacceptable" bucket. i've seen D go unappreciated for far too many years, and though this romance has only been gestating for a few months, i'd rather the rules of the game be set now, rather than at the two-and-a-half-year "what do we do now" point.

so in control is what i'll soon be feeling. everything will be back to normal. he doesn't have to love me right away, just appreciate me for who i am. because, quite frankly, i'm pretty fucking awesome. a coworker of mine once told me that a relationship where a man loves the woman more than what she loves him are usually the best. i beg to differ. it doesn't matter as to who loves more, it's about trusting that the other person has your best interests at heart. it's about not having to poll your friends and family about what your partner said or did and what it could mean, because, once you trust your gut, you know you're in a real, honest to goodness, functioning relationship. i'll always love him more. but i know, once learns to be grateful for the wonderful things he has in me, he can love me the way i need him to love me. compared to my kind of love, it's not much, but my heart knows it's just right.

~D~ & *K*

a whole new world...

and a new phase begins. it's been months since we last caught up, but in those months, my whole entire existence has changed. K and i have found ourselves at peace. the war over turf is over. she and i seemed to have become one.

or so she'd like to belive. i'm still here. still ever-present in her heart. keeping her strong when she thinks she's going to falter. i'll always be here, but she's right. we're at peace.

ok, so she's still there. but she has to be. you see, we've mad some drastic changes in the past few months. i'll give you the cliff's notes version for now:

for one, the wrath of Konstantin's id on my heart has ended. i can't even explain how it happened. one day i decided i was going to leave my big city life where nothing what happening for me to move to a happy little town full of palm trees and warm nights. i dreamed of a new beginning. one where joblessness and homelessness was no longer an option. one where i could finally spread the wings i had developed in the cocoon of solitude. the more i spoke of this idea, the more he's ask for dates, timelines, budgets, when, where, how. i had no clue where his sudden interest my path of choice came from, but i'm not going to lie, i liked it.

i loved how he was concerned about my ability to strike out into the unknown and survive. he failed to realize that we (K and i) were born for this moment. but then, he did the unexpected. he asked me if i'd wanted to live with him. i was speechless, elated, and frightened all at once. was this man, the one who had somehow managed to cleft my heart in two just months before, the one who has never directly told me what he wants from me, the man who i thought was either going to be a bachelor forever or back with his ex, asking me to be a part of his quotidian life?

it didn't stop there. he helped move me there. he reserved my storage facility. he took it upon himself to find us a home. yes, a HOME. he became the man i'd always wanted him to be for me - the man i could see deep in his eyes. that's the man that took my breath away time and time again. a few days after i had arrived, i got an offer i couldn't refuse. my career was finally taking off. as a congratulatory gift, he gave me something that i cherish more than anything he's ever given me - his commitment.

Konstantin and i are now living blissfully in sin. it's an effortless bonds that makes me happy from the moment i awake till we're falling asleep in a haze of the remnants of a passionate encounter. i'm so happy. this is effortless for me. but it's hard to say the same for him. he's trying to adjust, but it's taking him much longer than i had thought. i'm being patient, though.

the thing is, i've fallen in love with him. but this isn't recent news. most of you know this has been the man i haven't been able to get enough of, and i finally realized why. i am madly in love with him. and i know that frightens him. he's not used to a woman like me (correction, like US). he is the first man that i've been able to trust wholeheartedly. his past doesn't frighten or intimidate me. it's just another part of him that makes me love him more. do i know about his sordid little secrets? of course. he's ashamed of some aspects of his past, but none of it bothers me. it all makes him the man he is now. the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand. his boyish charm makes my heart melt. there is an innocence about him, despite all the lusty deeds that defined the beginnings of our relationship.

i have finally reached a point where i can make myself happy. he's my cherry on top.

All by myself... I want to be all by myself...

never have i ever been more content with my life than i am right now. most people attribute happiness to the occurrence of several amazing things back to back. however, for me, it's been a whole lot of nothing - just many nights spent deep in thought, regaining perspective on life.

as a result, the trifecta has been disbanded. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm through with my pair and a spare. the pair have been reduced to friends i occasionally share kind words with. the spare was easy to rid myself of - once you stop answering the phone, those kinds of boys tend to get the hint. now all i'm left with is the the most important thing in the world, the only thing that matters - me, myself and i.

simply put, i've come to the realization that i love being alone. i love sleeping in my bed alone. i love going out to eat alone. even watching movies alone makes me happy. i've been attempting to garner relationships with different people all while ignoring the longest lasting, most meaningful relationship of them all, the one i have with myself.

after the whole fiasco with konstantin, i found myself telling him the things i wanted to hear: "trust your gut" "take the time to find out who you are and make yourself happy" "don't be afraid of change."

so i'm trusting my gut. it's telling me that solitude is the best defense mechanism i have right now. when i'm alone, no one can hurt me. when i'm alone, i have the chance to build on myself. when it's just me, i find out all the little bits and pieces that make up the person that i am. and there is nothing more amazing than knowing who you really are. someone recently asked me "who are you?" i was astounded to be able to give that person a true, well thought out answer. and knowing who i am means i can decipher my needs and my wants.

loving myself is a beautiful thing. you should try it.